Good, Bad & Ugly Review: The Lords of Salem

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 46% (Critics) / 42% (Audience)
Directed By: Rob Zombie
Written By: Rob Zombie
Starring: Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davison, Jeff Daniel Phillips, and Judy Geeson
Studio: Anchor Bay Films

Synopsis: From the singular mind of horror maestro Rob Zombie comes a chilling plunge into a nightmare world where evil runs in the blood. The Lords of Salem tells the tale of Heidi (Sheri Moon Zombie), a radio station DJ living in Salem, Massachusetts, who receives a strange wooden box containing a record, a “gift from the Lords.” Heidi listens, and the bizarre sounds within the grooves immediately trigger flashbacks of the town’s violent past. Is Heidi going mad, or are the “Lords of Salem” returning for revenge on modern-day Salem? (Source)

The Good:
Judy Geeson, Dee Wallace and Patricia Quinn as a trio of witches were the only good thing about this movie and maybe if the film focused on them three of them instead of Sheri Moon Zombie this film would have been less of a train wreck.

Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air
Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble

The Bad:
Sheri Moon Zombie is a charisma devoid automaton with the acting chops of a dust bunny and a constant look of dumbfounded wonder on her face. Giving her the starring role in any movie is asinine and should be enough to get whatever funding a director has taken away from him. If Rob Zombie is going to be allowed to make his singularly horrendous vision of horror movies then someone needs to take over the casting decisions from him so that he stops shoving his talentless wife on the world.
And speaking of Mr. Zombie, he really needs to take a few film school classes and join a writer’s workshop because he has no idea how to direct a movie in any way that makes sense and even less of an idea of how to write a cohesive script. Taking the ideas in your head and shooting them without any rhyme or reason does not a good movie make, Robert.

I can count to 5
I can count to 5

The Ugly:
No one aside from her significant other and her gynecologist really needs to see Meg Foster in her birthday suit in 2013.

Final Verdict: This was a terrible movie that made little to no sense, featured almost nothing of any interest in it’s entire running time and featured a wretched performance by Sheri Moon Zombie. The only bright spots were the wickedly delightful performances by Geeson, Wallace and Quinn but there was not nearly enough of those three to make up for the rest of the garbage this movie is filled with.

Rating: D-

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.