Food Network celebrity chef and Doyenne of Diabetes, Paula Deen has been under heavy fire over the last few weeks due to her publicizing her own diagnoses as a diabetes sufferer just in time to cash in on a spokesperson gig for some newfangled diabetes treatment drug that could possibly cause thyroid cancer among several other horrible maladies.
Well I say “Leave Paula Alone!!!“; it’s not like you all didn’t know that eating things like “Bacon Cheeseburger Meat Loaf” and “Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding” wasn’t a form of slow motion suicide. So in honor of La Belle Deen I have put together what I think would have to be the most horrifically delicious full course dining experience that can be found by perusing the Paula Deen recipe section of the Food Network website.

Course #1: Soup
Tastes Like Lasagna Soup

Hope you brought your appetites because this meal gets kicked off in grand fashion with this cheesy soup. And someone should clue Paula in to the fact that this soup tastes like lasagna because it actually has lasagna in it. Just because you add chicken broth to it doesn’t stop it from being a bowl of lasagna with a runny sauce.

Course #2: Salad
Broccoli Salad

Paula tries to get sneaky with this one by lulling you into thinking that this dish is good for you but don’t let the healthy looking picture fool you…this salad should not be on any diet. While the broccoli, onion, and tomatoes are steps in the right direction, throwing in the bacon, cheddar cheese and mayonnaise are where this thing goes completely off the rails. And for the life of me I can’t figure out why she thought that she needed to add a 1/4 cup of sugar to this dish.

Course #3: Appetizer
Deep Fried Stuffing on a Stick

I’m assuming that Paula was having chef’s block before a show and just pulled this concoction right out of her ass because there seems to be very little thought put into this one. you take that pesky left over Thanksgiving stuffing (because I refuse to believe that she made stuffing from scratch just for this dish), chuck in some chicken stock and eggs, mold it around a stick, throw it into the oven to bake for 45 minutes and voila! You are now ready to deep fry the living hell out of this meaty bread log.

Course #4: Entree
The Lady’s Brunch Burger & Disco Fries

The Lady’s Brunch Burger is the crown jewel of killer meals in Paula’s repertoire. Because our sweet Southern Belle cannot be so unoriginal as to make a simple cheeseburger she had to crank it up a notch. To that end she takes a plain old cheese burger, thrown in a couple slabs of bacon, add a fried egg and slap the whole atrocity between two glazed donuts (preferably from Krispy Kreme for maximum caloric intake).

And to compliment the burger you add a side of Disco Fries which is basically just french fries smothered in melted cheese and brown gravy. My arteries are clogging up just typing this.

Course #5: Dessert
Ultimate Fantasy Deep-Fried Cheesecake

To top off the insane amount of carb-loading from the previous courses calls for something truly monumental and thankfully Paula does not disappoint. She takes one of the best desserts in the history of desserts, the cheesecake, and does the one thing that can make it more decadent than it already is…she deep fries it. And once it’s been deep fried you hit the cheesecake with a rich chocolate sauce and whopping scoop of whipped cream. Scrum-diddly-umptious!

Bon a petit! And keep 911 on speed dial for the diabetic coma that is sure to occur once this meal is done.