True Blood Season Five: Whatever I Am You Made Me


Did anyone else notice the ridiculously high amount of super-speedy vampire hijinks in this past episode? It seemed like every 20 seconds a vampire was using vamp speed to run out of a scene, run back into a scene, text, type and pretty much every other act under the sun. Don’t believe me? Well I put together a compilation video of all the accelerated vampiness to prove my point:


Set The Wayback Machine, Sherman

We got more Pam Flashbacks! This journey back in time focused more on Pam and Eric and brought us a step closer to Pam becoming a vamp. Eric paid a visit to Pam’s brothel to receive payment for saving her life. Pam offers her best girls (which included a very limber Asian woman) but Eric only wants to taste Pam’s goodies. Pam agrees to do the downward facing dog with Eric if he will take care of her vampire problem…it seems that a vampire couple has been sucking Pam’s girls dry and that aint good for business.
Upstairs a young Bill and his maker Lorena are having their way with a poor working girl. Eric rushes in and puts the fear of God into Lorena but Bill is still a pup and remains defiant. Eric agrees not to kill Bill because he sees potential in him but he warns Lorena to get her “child” in line before he gets killed. The day saved, Eric and Pam seal the deal.
After doing the deed pam asks to be made a vampire but Eric refuses siting the major responsibility that a vampire faces when becoming a maker…ooooh foreshadowing! Anyhoo Pam decides to force Eric’s hand by slitting her wrists and making him have to choose: either watch her die or make her a vampire.
Back in the present Pam had a little kerfuffle with Sookie when Sook came to Fangtasia looking for Pam’s help with Tara. Words were exchanged, Pam shoved Sookie and Sookie fairy blasted the living hell out of Pam. Her maker is missing, she has a brain damaged progeny running around on the loose and she got her ass handed to her by a fairy waitress. Pam is not having a good week.

Where Oh Where Is Tara Thornton?

Sookie and Lafayette are running through the woods looking for Tara who is tripping out on her newly acquired vampire vision before coming across a stranded motorist. Tara is just about to get her drink on when she catches a glimpse of her own reflection and runs away again. This time she goes to Sam for help. Sam gives her all the True Blood she can drink and puts her into his walk-in freezer to sleep during the day. Sookie gets Tara’s whereabouts from Sam despite his best attempts to hide it from her by thinking about anything but Tara in the freezer.
Sookie and Lafayette spend the day keeping watch on the freezer and keeping everyone out of it in between Sookie being questioned by the police and dealing with a stressed out Arlene.
As night falls Lafayette tries to get Tara to drink a bottle of True Blood while Sookie is visited by Alcide who wants to warn her that Debbie Pelt’s car was found near Sookie’s house. This is about when Tara chucks Lafayette through the freezer door and goes all Queen Bitch on everyone by dropping hints in front of Alcide that Sookie is hiding something from him, telling everyone to knave her alone before she rips their throats out and running off once again.
Lafayette tries to get back to work under the judgmental gaze of Arlene and the stress is just to much for him as he turns into Brouha Lafayette and starts to pour bleach into the gumbo he is making. he quickly snaps out of it and dumps the poison gumbo but it looks like Lafayette’s dalliance with dark magic is not over by a long shot.
Outside Merlotte’s, Sookie comes clean with Alcide about what really happened to Debbie Pelt. Admnitting she killed his former fiancé doesn’t seem to bother Alcide as much as Sookie not trusting him enough to tell him the truth. The big lone wolf storms off and we are left with Sookie giving us her best ugly crying face.
And Tara makes her way to the local tanning salon (very cleverly named Curl Up and Fry) where she tries to commit suicide by tanning bed. This elicited the same reaction in me as it did in Pam…I also thought “you stupid bitch” while watching this scene.

Six Degrees of Sexing Salome

Turns out, Salome, the right hand woman of Roman and high ranking Vampire Authority chancellor, is also the Salome of the dance of the seven veils and archetype of female seduction. The comely lady lives up to her name too by seducing and bedding Bill, Eric and then Roman (in that order) all in one episode. The reason for her bed hopping (at least in the cases of Bill and Eric) is to get the two vamps to trust her. Her dalliance with Roman looks like a pretty regular occurrence. Aside from revealing that Roman and Salome are involved we also found out that Salome was Nora’s sponsor into the VA and that she is aware of Eric and Nora’s relationship having been told this info by Godric. For some reason she is keeping this from Roman which I am sure will come back to bite her before this season is over.
Bill and Eric’s separate booty calls with Salome were undoubtedly the most enjoyable thing that happened to them in this episode though. After Roman agreed to set them free in order for them to find and kill Russell Edgington, the boys were fitted with tracking harnesses (by the always delightful Tina Majorino as a techie vampire) that are also designed to implant stakes in the wearers hearts if they step out of line. While Bill and Eric were being given their marching orders poor Nora was still being tortured, this time by Chancellor Rosalyn Harris who is quickly becoming my favorite of the ruling council of the VA. The Sadistic Southern Belle was trying to get to the bottom of why Nora risked everything to rescue Eric and Bill but instead of revealing that she and Eric are “siblings” she instead confessed to be part of the Sanguinistas.

The New Nan Flanagan

My unbridled joy at the Right Reverend Steve Newlin being introduced as the new public face of the Vampire Authority can barely be explained. The more of Rev. Steve the better I always say. Steve did have a little snafu though by speaking out of turn to Roman and having to be put in his place. Of course Steve looked more turned on than fearful of Roman’s threats. Maybe he can transfer his affections from Jason to Roman.

CSI: Bon Temps

We got a whole lot of focus on Sheriff Andy’s ass this episode. Witch Holly’s dickhead sons snapped a cell phone pic of a naked Andy when they found him in their mom’s bed a few episodes ago and posted the pic on Facebook. As embarrassing as this was the bright spot of the whole brouhaha was that it opened a door for Andy to ask Holly to go steady. This was quite possibly the most cutely heartfelt scene on True Blood since back when Gran was still alive and being awesome.
Andy wasn’t just working on his love life this episode though, he was also investigating the disappearance of Debbie Pelt. Spurred on by Debbie’s parents and what looks like empathy for another V addict, Andy is very focused on solving this case and Sookie is at the top of his suspect list. The Pelts also paid a visit to Alcide to inquire about their daughter’s whereabouts. Papa Pelt is very hostile towards Alcide and seems to have a hate on for the big guy that goes back a ways. Mama Pelt played the good cop role though and implored Alcide to help them in any way he can.

Denzel Crocker Would Not Approve

We find Princess Jessica is trying on dresses at the only dress shop in Bon Temps. She is having a delightful time with the shopgirl until the woman makes disparaging remarks about Jason that immediately make Jess put her in her place. I am liking that Jessica really has feelings for Jason and doesn’t just want his as a bang buddy. While trying on more dresses though Jessica catches a whiff of something heavenly. What ever could it be? Why I’ll be damned it’s the newly recast Cousin Claude who I only realize is a recast because the character was originally played by Charlie’s junkie brother on LOST. Y’know what Claude means, right class? FAIRIES!!!!!
Well Jess chases Claude out of the dress shop and into an empty field where she claims to be able to “smell him everywhere”. I’m assuming there is another fairy portal near the field. I am also assuming we are going to be bombarded with more of these annoying fucking fairies.

Are You There God? It’s Me Jason

Jason continued on his journey toward introspection. This week he ran into his old high school teacher who taught him more than what was in his text books. Turns out Jason’s sexual awakening came through a sexual relationship with this teacher. So long story short, Jason and the teacher go back to her house, teacher lady tries to apologize for deflowering Jason but Jason piles on the Stackhouse charm (which I guess includes sliding your hand up a woman’s dress) and the two have sexy times on her living room floor. Once finished teacher lady is all aglow with happy sexy feelings while Jason is acting like he was just prison raped. Jason realizes that an adult in a position of authority taking advantage of a horny teenager was wrong and comes to the conclusion that all of his issues with sex and relationships can be traced back to his loss of innocence. He then runs out of the woman’s house like she had cooties.
A little later a revved up Jessica arrives at his door all hyper from being in such close proximity to fairies and looking to have meaningless sex with Jason. The new sensitive Jason Stackhouse will have none of it though and wants Jess to leave, telling her that the two of them aren’t friends and he is incapable of having a friendship with a woman that doesn’t involve sex (I guess he has completely forgotten the fact that he and Tara have been friends forever and he never showed any interest in her). Jess sees that Jason is going through some heavy stuff and decides to be a bro and talk it out with him her rampaging fairy fueled libido be damned.

No1Curr Week 3

Terry left with his buddy to do something I don’t really care about. At least they spent very little time on this storyline this episode. Hoyt dressed up like the subordinate half of a gay leather couple and paraded around Fangtasia looking to be sucked on by any vamps that would have him. Low self-esteem is never a good look.

Best Character of the Week: Bill

I always enjoy any chance to see old school Bill back when he was a brash and willful vampire with very little in the way of social graces and even less self control. He also had the line of the show in response to Eric bragging about bedding down Salome: “You know what they say about gentlemen, they don’t brag about sloppy seconds”.

Worst Character of the Week: Tara

I hope once Pam starts training Tara on how to be a vampire that she becomes tolerable because right now she is just super annoying.

Final Verdict:
Another good episode. Delving into Pam’s past and why she is the way she is has been the best idea the folks at True Blood have had in years. Also despite my annoyance with the Tara character this episode was the first step toward integrating the myriad story lines on the show by bringing Sam (and Arlene) into the mix. I still see all the potential for Tara’s storyline to become entertaining especially once Pam gets more involved so I am reserving being too judgy about it just yet.
The Vampire Authority/Sanguinista stuff is intriguing and I am eager to finally see these Sanguinistas and their leader(s) before too long. The appearance of the Pelts, Andy and Holly growing closer and even Jason’s soul searching is working for me.
Sure Terry’s storyline is a nonstarter for me but it was kept to one scene this ep so i can’t be too mad. I do have to take a point for the reappearance of those damn fairies though. B

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