The folks on this list wish they had the boundless swag of the lovely Alison Brie.

5. Tom Hanks & Dan Aykroyd – DRAGNET

Don’t ask me what the hell the braintrust behind this rap duet for the DRAGNET soundtrack were thinking. Hell I can’t come up with a good reason for them remaking DRAGNET at all. Anyhoo the two stars of the film try their best to not make fools of themselves with Hanks doing his best Beastie Boys impression but to no avail.

4. Mandy Ingbar – TEEN WITCH

First of all TEEN WITCH is one of the most amazing cinematic achievements in the history of the world and one of these days I plan to get all deep up in that joint and add it to my list of Bad Movies That Rock; that being said the infamous “Top That” rap is just so insanely terrible that its sometimes hard to watch without cringing a little. The set up is that Polly, the nerdy best friend of the titular TEEN WITCH, has a crush on their high school’s super cool white rapper so Teen Witch decides to use her magic to give Polly a hip-hop inspired push to make contact with the object of her affections. The result is the things that either dreams or nightmares are made of depending on your world view.

3. Brian Austin Green – BEVERLY HILLS 90210

On a very special episode of 90210 everyone’s favorite white children of privilege got their concerned citizen on with the predominately black school across town. After a sporting event was canceled due to gun play the gang from 90210 threw together a joint school dance that saw differences set aside, stiff Electric Sliding abounded and harmony among the races was reached. Of course none of that would have been possible without the diggity dope rap stylings of David Silver played by Mr. BAG himself.

2. Sam Whipple – ARCHIE: TO RIVERDALE AND BACK AGAIN

BAck in 1990 some overpaid executive at NBC thought what the world was hankering for was a live action Archies movie that focused on the Riverdale gang while they were in their mid-forties. The result was just as dreadful as it sounds. And to make matters worse it was decided that Mid-Life Crisis Jughead would bust out his mad rap skills on a hip hop version of the old Archies tune “Sugar Sugar”. The results were so creepy because the dude playing Jughead looked like a serial killer and his big musical moment seemed to be sung to a couple elementary school age girls. Throw in some Jughead popping and locking and the creep factor hits alarming levels.

1. Rob Van Winkle – COOL AS ICE

Vanilla Ice is/was/will always be a pox upon the planet. Word to ya mutha.