True Blood Season Five: Everybody Wants To Rule The World

Lafayette would like to have a kiki with y’all.

Say Hello & Goodbye to Grand Dragon Sweetie Les Art
Former sheriff Bud Dearborne and his rubenesque lady love, Sweetie Les Art (best name ever by the way) are revealed to be the leaders of the Obama mask wearing, anti-Supes movement. The lowbrow lovers take Sookie hostage and place her and the recently abducted Hoyt into a stable to be eaten alive by a bunch of man-eating pigs. Luckily Sam and Luna show up to save the day right before Bon temps finest show up to slap the cuffs on everyone (except for Bud who chose death before imprisonment). Luna also got to deliver a buck nekkid beat down on Sweetie for the whole shooting incident.

Back to Sweetie; that name is absolutely divine and the actress playing Sweetie is one of those actors you see everywhere but can never name (the actress is named Jennifer Hasty); also her lame ass reason for becoming a murderous supernatural hating psychopath was just perfect. I would probably go apeshit if I were dumped by my spouse for a shifter at a square dance too. Sweetie should have debuted weeks ago and I am peeved that we have probably seen the last of her.

Meanwhile in The Church of Lillithology
Eric and Tech Vamp try to plot an escape but Bill, after having a vision laden sexual romp with Salome, stabs them in the back and hands them over to the loonies running the Vampire Authority. Bill is now a true believer (and possibly a Level 7 Thetan by now) in this whole Lilith thing and has become convinced that he is “The Chosen One”. That Bill Compton has always had a healthy ego but now he is just delusional. His idea to deplete the True Blood supply is working like a charm too with vamps getting desperate and starting to drink openly of humans.

Russell and Steve Sittin’ In A Tree
Russell takes his new boy toy Rev. Steve to the Shreveport werewolf pack’s HQ to bestow upon them a taste of his blood and re-establish their place in the supernatural pecking order as servants to vampires. Martha balks at the entire thing which results in Russell taking Puppy Luna and giving her to Rev. Steve as a gift. This will not make Luna a very happy shifter.

Odds and Ends
Arlene and Terry show themselves to be a true team by murdering Patrick and effectively ending this shitty storyline about 5 episodes too late; Lafayette is still being old school sassy Lafayette; We learned from Jessica that vampires no longer have to make poo; Alcide has a dad and he is played by Robert Patrick but I still don’t give a damn about Alcide’s backstory; Pam got pimp slapped by the douchebag new Vampire Sherriff of Area Five; Sookie is visited by Claude, Claudette and their Buckhead cousin Claudija (what’s next Claudisha and Claudika?) who inform her that the vampires are plotting to take over the world

Best Character of the Week: Lafayette
He’s back to being awesome.

Worst Character of the Week: The Shreveport Werewolves
Yep they still suck.

Final Verdict: A good, fast paced episode that saw bad storylines end (don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Ifrit and Muslim Ghost Lady) and other disparate storylines begin to merge together. We are currently on a collision course between the Lilith-loving Vampires and the rest of the True Blood cast. Can’t wait for all of the conflict to start and to see which side each character lands when they are confronted by their loved ones (I’m looking at you, Mr. Compton). B+

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