True Blood Season Five: Turn! Turn! Turn! Review

Season 5 of True Blood is upon us, children. Rejoice! This season promises the return of Dennis O’Hare as Russell Edgington, the arrival of Christopher Meloni as the head dog of The Vampire Authority and hopefully a 100% reduction of fairies. So without further ado let’s get this party started!

Turning Tara

The show opens with wacky werewolf Debbie Pelt in the Stackhouse kitchen with a shotgun as she accidentally shoots Tara in the head while trying to kill Sookie. Sookie then gets the gun away from Debbie and shoots that jealous bitch right in the face. All the commotion brings Lafayette downstairs and he and Sookie are at their wits end about how to help Tara when Pam shows up and is swiftly urged by Lafayette to turn Tara into a vampire. Pam delivers awesome line after awesome line here (“Color me impressed; you guys know how to party,”; “I can’t be the only one who noticed she’s missing half her head,”; “I am wearing a Wal-Mart sweatsuit for y’all. If that’s not a demonstration of team spirit, I don’t know what is,”) as she reluctantly agrees to turn Tara because it is a possibility that Tara may come back as a “fucktard” since a chunk of her head has been blown off, in return for Sookie helping to mend the rift between Pam and Eric.
Pam gives Tara some of her blood and then dons what looks like one of Gran’s old lady sweat suits in preparation to be buried with Tara.
While waiting for Tara to be turned, Sookie and Lafayette clean up the murder scene in Sookie’s kitchen before heading over to Lafayette’s house to give a proper burial to Lafayette’s dead boyfriend (who a possessed Lafayette stabbed to death last season). But shock of all shocks! Jesus’ body is nowhere to be found. Sookie and Lafayette go back to her house to shower and change their bloody murder clothes.
It is around this time that Alcide shows up to warn Sookie about the deliciously twisted former King of Louisiana, Russell Edgington being unearthed from his concrete grave and now being free to exact his revenge on Sookie. As disturbing as this news is, Sookie is more bothered by the fact that she and Alcide are having this discussion in the same room where she killed Alcide’s girlfriend a few hours earlier. Just as Sookie is about to spill her guts an eavesdropping Lafayette bursts into the room and proceeds to get all bitchy with Alcide (complete with a serious “Get to stepping, ho!” face that has to be seen to be believed which is why I added it to this section of the post).
Night finally comes and Pam emerges form the grave being all Pam attitude but there is no Tara. Sookie digs and exposes Tara’s face which is stone cold and unmoving. Just as Anna Paquin starts to make that horrid crying face that can stop time, up jumps Vampire Tara at super-speed! We got ourselves a brain damaged vampire, y’all and it looks like she is hungry! Too bad there isn’t a fresh source of hyper-awesome fairy blood nearby for her to get her drank on; oh wait, there is…

Butch Compton and The Viking Kid

We find Bill Compton and Eric Northman moments after the two of them have given the “true death” to AVL spokesperson Nan Flanagan. Bill is giving his “child” Jessica a tall tale to explain why he will be out of touch for a while as Eric does a super-speed clean-up of Nan’s goo. Then they are hit with psychic knowledge that Sookie is in trouble (more on Sook’s escapades later). Bill wants to run to his darling Sookah’s side while Eric is like “fuck that shit; Sookie dumped us so she can kick rocks”. Bill being the Sim of the Year of course decides to run to Sookie’s rescue but the two vamps are met by the silver nets of the Vampire Authority Stormtroopers and thrown in the trunk of a dark sedan by two high level Authority vamps…one of whom is a hot British lass and the other is a bulky fella with a love for Paul McCartney & Wings.
Being the resourceful fellas that they are, Bill and Eric make like McGyver and cause the car’s gas tank to blow up.The Wings loving vamp isn’t nearly as blown up as Eric and Bill would have liked and he gets the drop on the two of them. Just as he asks which of them want to die first he is killed by the female vamp who we find out is named Nora and happens to be Eric’s sister right after she and Eric start making out like two horny teenagers on prom night. Turns out they are siblings in name only since they were both sired by Godric so the initial skeeviness gives way to an easy acceptance that Alexander Skarsgård and Lucy Griffiths have insane chemistry. Sookie who?
Nora informs Bill and Eric that she is part of an anti-Authority resistance and had plans to stage her own rescue of the boys a few miles down the road but since Bill and Eric got froggy the three of them would have to bunk down for the night since dawn was coming. Nora and Eric waste no time getting reacquainted by having hot sweaty sexy times that gets interrupted by Eric receiving a phone call from Alcide informing him that Russell Edgington is free and roaming the Earth. The trio then meet up with other resistance vamps to get new identities for Bill and Eric but an Authority SWAT team shows up and apprehends our 3 rebels.

Love, Gay American Vampire Style

A buck stark naked Jason Stackhouse is having a conversation with Vampire Reverend Steve (complete with preppy douchebag sweater tied around his shoulders!). The former leader of the anti-vampire Fellowship of the Sun is trying to convince Jason that he is just a poor, little lost orphan vamp who just needs a friend. Jason being Jason he buys it and drops his guard long enough for Steve to glamor Jason into inviting him in. Steve then glamors Jason into forgetting that he was glamored at all and instead believes that he willingly invited Steve in. Steve then goes on to come out of the coffin and reveal to Jason that he is a “gay vampire American” who also happens to be in love with Jason. Jason is flattered by the declaration of love but tries to let Steve down easy which enrages Steve. Just as it looks like Jason is about to get sexually assaulted, Jessica arrives to lay the smackdown on Steve and let him know in no uncertain terms that Jason belongs to her. Jason then revokes his invitation to Steve forcibly removing him. Jessica then proceeds to have her way with her prize.
The next day Jason tries to make amends with Hoyt but Hoyt acts like a 12 year old and rebuffs Jason’s apology and plea to repair their friendship. As big a douche as Hoyt is acting I can’t really blame him here. If my best friend stole my super-hot vampire girlfriend I would be plenty pissed off too.
That night Jessica is having a rager at Bill’s house with some local college kids, one of whom has eyes for our comely redheaded vamp. Jason shows up unannounced and gets jealous when Jessica lets him know her claim of ownership on him was only done to scare Rev. Steve and she wants to keep their relationship purely casual. The two of them then go on to re-enact every teen comedy made in the last 30 years by making out with other people but really wanting to be together. Jason does take a step towards becoming a mature adult by not having meaningless sex with the hot co-ed in his squad car despite being very tempted by her hot body. Before any wolf on wolf violence can jump off,

Aaahoo! Werewolves in Bon Temps

Sam takes the blame for killing werewolf pack leader Marcus (who was actually killed by Alcide who seems to have his toe in every storyline on this show) and is taken in by the pack to be tortured under threat of harm befalling his shifter girlfriend Luna and her daughter. Sam is tortured by the pack because they want the location of Marcus’ body but they keep coming up empty until Marcus’ mom Martha, who is the definition of rode hard and hung wet, threatens to kill Luna and her kid if Sam doesn’t cough up the info. Why the dumb asses in the pack didn’t use this tactic from the jump is beyond me since it worked earlier.
Sam takes them to where he and Alcide buried Marcus and just as it looks like Sam is about to be torn apart by the angry pack Alcide shows up and admits he is the one who killed Marcus. Half the pack bows down to Alcide while the other half gets uppity. Martha puts a stop to things, shifts into a wolf and begins eating her sons carcass. Gross.

The Bumbling Bellefleurs

Andy and Holly get caught in flagrante dilecto by her two disapproving boys and despite Andy having grown attached to her, Holly doesn’t seem to want to be any more involved with the sheriff than a one night stand. Meanwhile we learn that Terry and his Marine buyddy Patrick have a secret form their days in Iraq that is of the supernatural variety. Patrick believes that someone of something is setting fires at the homes of several of the men from their unit and two of their comrades are dead already. Terry wants nothing to do with any of this nonsense though.

Best Character of the Week: Pam

Pam had all the best lines and is just oozes awesome no matter how horrid that Wal-Mart special ensemble was that she was wearing.

Worst Character of the Week: Tara

Sure she was “dead” and buried for the majority of the episode but Tara will get this honor until someone else becomes worse (which may be impossible) or this whole vampire angle makes her finally be interesting.

Final Verdict: There was an awful lot jam packed into this episode and I like that we hit the ground running. The highlights of the episode were the Eric and Bill on the run stuff and the Sookie/Lafayette/Tara/Pam storyline mostly due to Pam (even though I am curious just where the hell Jesus’ body has gotten to). I hope she gets an increased role on the show now since she is responsible for creating Vampire Tara. Not that I am a fan of Vampire Tara or any version of Tara to be honest. I have wanted this character dead since episode 3 of Season One but I was hoping more for the true death rather than her current status. Oh well I plan on keeping an open mind since there is no way the Tara character can possibly get any more annoying than she has been for the full run of this show.
Not giving half a damn about Terry and his military buddy. I would actually be happy if all we saw of Terry was funny asides from him as he worked the grill at Merlotte’s. There is too much going on in this show already and to add in a storyline that seems to be isolated on its own little island just seems like a waste of precious time. Now I am perfectly willing to eat my words if the show can somehow weave Terry’s storyline into the the rest of the happenings on the show but as of right now I don’t see how that can be done seamlessly.
I do have an issue with Sam being shown to be such a weak sister in the hierarchy of the supernatural. The guy can change into anything so to see him relegated to dogs and birds and always running away from or being beaten up by other supes is annoying. I was hoping he would have shifted into a lion or elephant and stomped a mudhole in that pack of werewolves that was giving him such a hard time. Sam the put upon good guy can only be done so many times before it gets ridiculously old so the show needs to illustrate that when pushed too far a pissed off Sam is a force to be reckoned with.
Also I can’t have been the only person to notice that there seemed to be an increased effort on the shows part to not show any naked breasts? The werewolf chick had the hair drapery thing going on while Nora kept her bra on during her sex scene with Eric. Now I am not some horny perv sitting on my couch with tissues and lotion at the ready but True Blood has been notorious for its casual nudity so when it is so obvious that they are moving in a different direction in that area it becomes distracting. Whatever is gong on there seems to be no issue with shots of man ass though so I don’t know what exactly is going on.
Overall a really good first episode that has set up this seasons storylines very well and has things looking a lot more interesting than they did at this same point last season. And no fairies which is always a good thing.  B+

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